


The Sickness and the Cure

by Butterballs



Category: The Hobbit (2012), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Dubious Consent, Emotional Manipulation, M/M, but it does have a happy ending, probable OOC Thorin because I doubt he'd be this much of a dick
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-27
Updated: 2013-01-27
Packaged: 2017-11-27 03:10:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/657390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Butterballs/pseuds/Butterballs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fíli endures being Thorin's favourite for two reasons: because he has to, and to protect Kíli from the same thing happening to him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Sickness and the Cure

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is plagiarizing myself - I wrote a Boromir/Denethor (with undertones of Boromir/Faramir) fic in this vein years ago but God only knows where it ended up because I can't find it anywhere on the internet. It’s less about smut and more an exercise for writing different emotions.
> 
> This is also the fic that kind of ran away on me. I fully didn’t intend on making it this long but once I started more demanded to be written.
> 
> Lastly, I apologize to all of you, and to Mr Tolkien, for making Thorin such a dick. I understand if you want to punch him in the face while reading this.

It started when Fili was 70. He was still young, still naive, still green enough to try to see the best in everyone, and he _always_ tried to see the best in his uncle Thorin. Thorin was driven, focused, almost a man possessed; nothing would stray him from the course of eventually taking back the kingdom of Erebor, and Fili admired that immensely. Even when working in the forge, soaked in oil and sweat and blood and looking every inch like he should be sleeping in the gutter, Thorin carried himself like a king. For the most part, he paid little heed to his nephews' worshipful looks and their efforts to emulate him.

But then Fili turned 70 and was considered near grown and old enough to pay his way in the family, and everything changed.

Thorin asked him to help in the forge, and in the mines when they found one with deposits worth mining, and Fili didn't hesitate to acquiesce. He had never been so excited. He ran straight to Kili and said, 'Uncle is finally allowing me to work alongside him in the forge!' He said it as if he were being presented with the Arkenstone itself, not being asked to bend over an anvil and hit a piece of metal for hours each day. Kili was five years younger (only five years, but he was still practically an infant in Thorin's eyes) and had to content himself with practicing archery and observing the other smiths when they would let him, so he was painfully jealous, but hugged Fili his congratulations all the same.

'When you, you know, when you get really good, can you ask him if I can come along?' Kili pleaded. His eyes shone with hope and hurt. He and Fili were so rarely apart that it felt like either Fili or Thorin or both of them were betraying him by leaving him out. However, he knew it was a silly, selfish thought, (Fili was the eldest, he was next in line, of course he should receive Thorin's favour first) so he kept those feelings to himself. Fili nodded earnestly.

'Of course I will, I'm sure Thorin will be grateful for an extra pair of hands. But you do actually have to _work_ , you know, it's not supposed to be enjoyable,' he pointed out, poking Kili in the ribs. Kili giggled.

'I know. I know it won't be much fun. But it won't matter if you're there.'

It turned out that Fili had grossly underestimated the concept of _work_. Thorin seemed intent on driving him into the ground. When one task was finished, Thorin would present him with a more difficult one, and Fili was always utterly exhausted by the end of it. It was as if he expected Fili to give up - as if he _wanted_ Fili to give up. Thorin berated Fili when his work was sub-par and said nothing when it was exceptional. It frustrated Fili almost out of his mind and more than once he was moments away from yelling at Thorin that he couldn't take it, that this was borderline slave labour, to use Kili instead - but he didn't. He stayed and his will to impress Thorin grew stronger and, six months after he began, his skill was finally acknowledged.

'Fine work, Fili,' Thorin said, bending over to more closely examine the hunting knife that Fili had spent the past fortnight on. Fili almost fell over.

Fili scratched awkwardly at the back of his head. 'Er, I, thank you, uncle.' His hand hovered uncertainly over the anvil, unsure if he was supposed to continue working.

'You may put the hammer down, I believe that's enough for one day.' He disappeared outside for a moment and returned with two frothy mugs of ale. 'Here. You've earned this.'

Fili eyed the mug like it was a bug he wasn't sure was worth squishing. 'Um...'

'I'm not testing you, Fili, for Durin's sake. Put the hammer down and have a drink.'

Fili took the mug. Thorin clinked it against his. 'This is to celebrate six months' service with me,' he continued. 'To celebrate the fact that you are still here despite my best efforts to drive you away,' Thorin added slyly.

Fili looked up in surprise. 'But you asked me to join you! Why would you want to get rid of me so quickly?'

'I needed to see if you were worthy.' Thorin lounged back against the doorframe of the smithy. 'And you are.'

There was a peculiar look in his eyes and a definite implication in his voice as he spoke. Fili had no idea what that could mean and didn't see reason to dwell on it so he drained his mug instead, appreciative of the cold ale down his parched throat. Thorin inclined his head approvingly. 

'Another?' asked Fili hopefully. Thorin laughed.

'We must wash first. Your mother will never let us in her kitchen looking and smelling like this. Come with me.'

He took Fili's hand and led him out the back of the smithy to a large metal tub filled with water. A small cake of soap and a washcloth sat next to it. 'Strip off, then.'

Fili removed his clothes without a second thought, the concept of modesty long-forgotten after years of disrobing in front of his brother. He reached for the soap and washcloth but Thorin got there first 

'Let me,' he said with that same odd tone as before. Fili snorted. 

'It's all right, Thorin, I know how to wash myself.'

'Actually, Fili, you don't. You've not managed to remove that thin layer of grime from your skin since your first day in the forge. Let me. I will show you.'

Thorin rubbed some soap on the cloth, dipped it in the water and applied the cloth to Fili's back. He then rubbed the cloth firmly in increasingly widening circles, stopping when one of Fili's shoulder blades was completely clean, and showed the now-dirty cloth to his nephew. Fili wrinkled his nose.

'That's horrible. Would you do the rest for me?'

'If you wish,' Thorin murmured. He rinsed out the cloth and applied more soap, rubbing the middle Fili's back until it was pink and glistening. He rubbed further down, paying special attention to the small of Fili's back and stopping just short of his rump. 

Thorin's touches were firm, not teasing, designed only to clean and not arouse, but Fili was mortified to find that his body was responding nonetheless. He thought frantically of dead things, of pestilence, of his mother - it was barely enough to keep his cock under control. This wasn't right at all. Thorin was trying to help and here Fili was using it as an excuse to get turned on. He took three deep breaths and looked down, satisfied when he saw his half-erection had subsided. Thorin couldn't see this, he'd be disgusted with Fili and cast him out - it was his fault, of course. Thorin could never predict how his body would react.

Noticing Fili's stiff posture and laboured breathing, Thorin asked, 'Are you all right?'

'Yes,' Fili squeaked an octave higher than usual. He put his hand out for the cloth. 'Thank you. I think I can finish myself off.'

Thorin smirked knowingly behind him at the accidental double entendre. 'Do let me know if you need a hand.'

***

Thankfully, Fili did not respond so whoreishly to his uncle's touch again, and even offered to help wash Thorin's back once he was sure he could maintain his composure. Thorin never appeared flustered by the attention and he certainly never appeared aroused, making Fili further ashamed that he had responded as such and even more sure that he overreacted to Thorin's offer to wash him in the first place. He hadn't mentioned the incident to Kili. It felt private, somehow. That, and Kili would keel over laughing and then tease Fili about it for the rest of their lives.

It was about three months later when Thorin asked Fili to join him at the tavern nearby. Fili agreed enthusiastically and then asked if Kili could come along. He'd been spending more and more time away from his brother and their relationship was becoming a little strained. More than once he'd had to explain _no, I don't prefer Thorin's company; yes, Kili, I still love you; no, there is nothing "going on" for gods' sakes, why would you even think that?_

'Not this time,' Thorin said, shaking his head. 'I would spend time with you alone. On a more personal level,' he added before Fili could protest that they spent hours alone each day. 'I feel like I don't know as much about you as a nephew as I should. Kili's time will come later. He is still young.'

Once inside the tavern Thorin made for the bar and instructed Fili to make himself comfortable in one of the booths way in the back. There was almost nobody else there - a very rare occurrence. Thorin chuckled conspiratorially when Fili commented as much.

'Just lucky, I suppose.' He passed Fili an enormous mug, so large Fili had to hold it with both hands.

'What's this?' Fili questioned, smiling broadly at the opportunity to drink so much on Thorin's coin.

'It's a pint. Nice, isn't it?'

Fili was busy slurping down the ale and didn't answer. Neither of the dwarves spoke again until they were deep into their third pint. By this stage Fili was reluctant to say anything at all; so happy was he floating on the line between relaxed, happy inebriation and a dangerously loose tongue. Thorin appeared to be affected the same, if slightly less so. He threw an arm around Fili's shoulders and crushed Fili into a rough, one-armed hug.

'I want you to know something,' he said seriously. 'I know I can be distant; absent, even, but I truly do love you, Fili, and your help in the forge over the past year has been immeasurable.' Fili waved the praise away, embarrassed but obviously pleased. Then Thorin did something Fili did not expect. He tipped Fili's chin up and kissed him firmly on the mouth.

Fili jumped back. 'What are you doing?'

Thorin frowned. 'I'm thanking you.' He reached again for Fili's face but Fili scooted back further. He was drunk, there was no doubt about that, but he wasn't _that_ far gone.

'Should you be - ' Fili faltered, unsure how to phrase his question. 'Aren't kisses usually between - ' He opened and closed his mouth dumbly, trying in vain to fish the words from his drink-addled brain. 'Is this right?' he finished feebly. Thorin didn't look the least bit worried - in fact, he wore the same expression of haughty regality that he always did - which only rattled Fili more. 

'It's only a kiss, Fili, not a request to court you. You'll probably find it's more common than you think.' Fili turned that phrase over in his mind. It could mean so many things - which was Thorin referring to? Thorin patted the bare patch of seat next to him before he could ask. 'Come back over here and let's try again. If you spontaneously combust I will promise not to do it anymore.'

The feeling that Fili was behaving overly dramatically (like a woman, even!) nagged at the border of his consciousness. _He is your uncle and your King. He would never do anything improper, anything that could sully the reputation of the line of Durin. It's clear he favours you as his heir only, not as anything else. Stop being such a girl!_

He planted himself beside Thorin and met his uncle's eyes apprehensively. Thorin touched his cheek, stroking one thumb over Fili's cheekbone as if to calm him. It only made the butterflies worse.

Thorin grinned lopsidedly. 'It won't hurt, I promise.' And he closed the gap between them with a soft kiss, applying the barest pressure to Fili's lips so they would part and provide his tongue access into his nephew's mouth. Fili returned the kiss warily, still not convinced that this was 'okay', but Thorin was a very thorough kisser with a talented tongue. He was disconcerted to find that he missed it when the kiss ended.

'I didn't combust,' Fili mumbled. His lips were wet and plump from Thorin's kiss. He touched his lips absently, almost still feeling the tongue there. 

Thorin patted his knee. 'We're both still standing. That's a good sign, no?'

'Thank you, uncle.' Fili looked troubled, like something was bothering him, but if anything was he didn’t say so.

Thorin kissed him again before they retired to their separate bedchambers that night. He should have been concerned that Fili would tell everything to Kili, as was their custom, but when KIli asked where the hell he'd been. His only explanation was 'Just drinking.' Kili didn't need to know _everything_.

Fortunately, that was exactly what Thorin was counting on.

***

Looking back, that night was exactly where the line was crossed. What was previously vague became positively clandestine and, in the beginning, it weighed heavily on Fili's mind. Every time he had nearly talked himself into telling Kili what happened, into getting a second opinion, he talked himself right back out of it. He wasn't sure why. He just felt that this was the type of thing his brother would take the wrong way. If ever he felt guilty about it (which, to be honest, was a lot of the time) he told himself that he was _protecting_ Kili. That this was for his own good.

Thorin took to kissing him at the end of a long day. At the beginning of one. When they were having a drink, or bathing, or in the middle of beating a piece of steel into shape. When Fili's work was below average, to encourage him to do better; and when it was exquisite, to reward him. The kisses became so regular and so effortless that Fili stopped noticing them. Kisses from Thorin were part of his workday. Kisses from Thorin were unremarkable.

They never told anyone and they never got caught.

Fili made a concerted effort to right his relationship with Kili. A year after Fili had been effectively apprenticed to their uncle, Kili had still not been extended any similar offers and it had soured his disposition considerably. His principal hobbies were hunting and brooding, often at the same time. Fili would join his hunts as often as he was permitted. Even on their days off, which were few and far between as it was, Thorin would cast him disapproving glances. 'You're spending too much time with your brother,' he said. The implication was _Time you should be spending with me_. 

It was a balancing act that left Fili debilitated and unhappy. Occasionally he wanted to shout at Thorin, to say _Don't make me choose between you and Kili, I won't do it!_ 'I can't,' he whispered to himself, alone in he and Kili's room in the early hours of the morning. 'I can't choose.'

The interesting thing was that Thorin never asked him to. He never gave Fili that ultimatum. His veiled disapproval was the only weapon he needed. Fili built up a tolerance to those wordless barbs in the following months. The tug-of-war between his uncle and his brother for his attention became as routine as Thorin's tongue down his throat.

Then, two years after Fili first step foot in Thorin's forge, the balance of power shifted.

They were washing up after a particularly grueling day of hot, repetitive work. The tightness and ache of his muscles made Fili feel about two hundred years older so when Thorin offered to massage the knots out of his back he accepted without hesitation. He _should_ have given the offer more thought, considering the morally ambiguous nature of his relationship with Thorin, but he was simply too fatigued and lay down in a pile of blankets in the only clean corner of the forge. He was vaguely aware of Thorin locking the door in the background.

Thorin sat down with his legs either side of Fili’s upper thighs and waited. ‘This might hurt,’ he warned when Fili grunted impatiently. ‘I can _see_ the knots in your muscles. A massage is long overdue, I think.’

‘Do what you have to,’ Fili said into the pillow. Thorin responded by digging his fingers deep into the flesh along the side of Fili’s spine and rotating in slow circles over the tense muscles there. Fili groaned in pain.

‘It will improve,’ Thorin assured him. True to his word, Thorin’s dexterous fingers had Fili practically dissolving into the blankets twenty minutes later. The younger dwarf started when Thorin’s hands pressed into his ass but Thorin ignored him, saying, ‘Don’t be such a prude, Fili, there are quite large muscles here also that require attention.’

Fili cringed into the pillow. The reason he didn’t want Thorin touching his behind was, naturally, because it stirred up lustful feelings in his groin. Even with Thorin kissing him all the time, he wasn’t certain if Thorin would appreciate proof of Fili’s gratitude staring him in the face. (Naturally, Fili was completely wrong.)

Thorin’s hands rubbed hard and deep into Fili’s rump, and probably for a little longer than was entirely appropriate (but then what about their situation was?). To his credit, his fingers didn’t stray towards Fili’s balls or his entrance, but Fili, who was biting his tongue to keep his moans quiet, really wished he would.

‘Turn over,’ Thorin ordered abruptly. ‘I would massage the front of your thighs. They frequently store up pain until the point of crippling.’

Fili almost choked. ‘No, thank you, that’s fine, I’d prefer it if you didn’t,’ he babbled but it was too late: Thorin, who was and would probably always be stronger than him, had flipped him over. Fili’s eyes watered with mortification. 

Thorin looked far too self-satisfied at the vision of Fili’s completely erect cock before his eyes. ‘You look like you enjoyed that more than you admit, nephew,’ he teased. Under him, Fili struggled violently to get up.

‘I’m sorry, I’ll leave – ‘

‘Don’t,’ Thorin cut in. ‘don’t be ashamed. It’s a natural reaction.’ Thorin traced a solitary finger along the main vein in Fili’s cock and Fili’s eyes rolled back in his head, his breath catching in his throat. ‘And it’s natural that this should follow.’ He grasped Fili’s cock fully and began to pump.

Fili came hard minutes later, Thorin’s name on his lips and Thorin’s lips on his throat. And once the pleasure subsided, the self-loathing set in. Thorin cleaned the mess off his hand without looking at Fili and told him not too be too hard on himself. ‘You wanted it, after all.’

Fili thought about it in great detail after Thorin left him. His body wanted it, there was no denying that; but his heart and his mind did not. Now that it was over, now that he was alone, he felt… _nauseous_. Dirty. Used.

Fili slept in his pile of blankets in the forge that night. That night, he hadn’t the strength to look Kili in the eyes and swear that everything between them and everything between him and Thorin was perfect, the way he usually did.

***

Kili was frantic the following morning. He hadn’t spent a night apart from his brother in, well…ever. He escorted Thorin to the forge, brushing off Thorin’s irritated reassurances that Fili was just too tired to move until he looked upon Fili himself.

Fili was already hard at work when they arrived. His face was a flawless mask of concentration. Sweat dripped onto the iron he was hammering and into his eyes but he refused to break his rhythm to wipe it away. Rather, he welcomed the sting.

‘You’re all right!’ Kili sang out joyously. 

Fili’s head snapped up, not expecting to hear his brother’s voice. Before he could stop himself he had caught Kili in a sweaty, oily hug. His stoic mask threatened to waver but he bit his cheek and the urge passed. He wouldn’t break down now. He’d come so far.

Thorin gently pried Kili away. ‘You see, he is quite well. Fili was overcome with exhaustion last night and opted to stay here for the convenience.’ He looked intently at his elder nephew. 

‘Yes, that’s all it was,’ Fili affirmed, forcing a smile. ‘Our beloved uncle here works me like a slave.’

‘It builds character,’ Thorin told Kili with a wink. ‘Now away with you, your brother and I have a full day of back-breaking toil ahead of us.’

Kili hovered in the doorway. ‘But can’t I – I mean…am I still not old enough?’

‘I’ve heard that your prowess with a bow is quite admirable,’ Thorin said, knowing full well that the compliment would distract Kili completely. ‘You’re needed more in the forest than you are in a forge. That said, I believe you will be ready soon. Not yet, but soon.’

Fili stared hard at his glowing piece of iron. The urge to beg Kili to stay, to ask to go with him, to not be left alone with Thorin was absolute. He deliberately avoided his brother’s eyes, knowing that Kili would immediately recognize how ill at ease he was. Kili left without further comment still glowing from his uncle’s praise.

Thorin regarded Fili calmly. 'Is there something wrong? You seem a little...agitated.'

'No,' Fili lied quickly. He took up his hammer and resumed hitting the piece of iron. 'It is as you say. I was tired.'

Thorin placed a hand on his shoulder. Fili expected it was supposed to be fatherly and comforting but it only came across as a display of dominance. 'You are troubled by my massaging you.'

 _If you can call it that,_ Fili thought.

'You needn't be concerned, Fili. It's a common occurrence between shield brothers. One man, or dwarf. as it were, helping out another.' He sounded so nonchalant that Fili couldn't help but once again question himself. Of course shield brothers did things like that. He'd heard something to that effect while drinking with Kili in their local tavern many years ago, now that he thought about it. Thorin's hand squeezed where it was resting on him. 'And you did want it. You could have asked me to stop. I love you, Fili, and would never force you into anything you didn't want to do.'

Fili met his eyes slowly. 'Yes. I could have asked you to stop.' _I wish I had._

'But you didn't.'

'I didn't,' he conceded. He smiled brightly at Thorin. 'I'm sorry. I am overthinking it, of course. Everything is fine. Let's get to work.'

***

Thorin never forced Fili to touch him. He never _asked_ Fili to touch him, for that matter. The first time that Fili reached for his cock was out of a sense of duty. He'd been brought to many amazing orgasms at Thorin's hands, despite his initial resistance, and it didn't seem fair that he never reciprocated. 'You don't have to,' Thorin grunted, obviously because he felt it was the right thing to say, not because he actually meant it. 

'It's the right thing to do,' Fili said as he stroked. 'I cannot be taking all the time without giving some in return.' If Thorin noticed that he didn't say _it's because I want to_ he didn't mention it. Instead he gave into sensation and groaned Fili's name as he climaxed over his stomach.

Truthfully, Fili hoped that, in doing this, he could take back some of the power that had been wrest from him. If this is how Thorin was intent on having their relationship he would not act like a passive child. He needed to convince Thorin that they were _equal_.

The other reason for Fili's submission was out of a sense of protection for his brother. Thorin had recently taken to eyeing Kili with great interest and spoke often to Fili of asking him to join them in their work; a suggestion that Fili had been resisting. He dearly wanted his brother with him for company's sake, of course, but he was sure that Thorin's intentions were not so pure. He would not allow Kili to be subjected to that. Kili wouldn't survive the daily cycle of confusion, self-hatred and suffocating secrecy. Kili wasn't strong enough to withstand the struggle.

Fili loved him too much to want to let him try.

Whenever Thorin raised the idea he would distract him with warm hands, a willing body and messy kisses. 'He's not ready,' Fili said. 'He's too weak. He'd never survive in here.'

Thorin raised an eyebrow. 'I thought the very same thing about you when you first began. Are you saying that I am not competent enough to teach him?'

The back of Fili's neck prickled with shame. 'Never, uncle. It's just that - that - ' _What could possibly be the correct thing to say?_ ' - that I don't want to...share you.' Thorin smirked, apparently placated. 

'I had no idea you felt that way, Fili.' _I don't!_ Fili wanted to scream. 'Very well. We work alone, for now.'

The implication for the years to come made Fili's skin crawl.

***

Thorin gained something else over Fili that day, a fact that Fili realized too late. He hoped that Thorin wouldn't work out that he would take a thousand arrows before he let anyone touch his precious brother but of _course_ Thorin did; the King Under the Fucking Mountain was too observant for his own good.

Thorin was also smart enough not to use his new advantage excessively. He never outright said to Fili, 'If you refuse me anything I will go straight to your brother, and the pain I inflict on him will have come at your hand.' That would have been too obvious and Thorin was a master of subtlety. He barely had to sneeze in Kili's direction and Fili was there, eager to serve, anxious to be the valiant protector. 

He really was making this no challenge at all.

Fili continued to endure their perverted charade. He was doing his best to appear unaffected to Thorin and his usual sunny self to Kili and the energy that this required rendered him positively drained when he curled up in a heap end of each day. Any normal person might have cried buckets at what a husk of an existence their life was, but not Fili. If he cried, even only once, he would unravel completely. Giving in to Thorin was easy. Lying to Kili was easy. Falling apart was not an option.

It was three years before Fili mustered the strength to deny Thorin anything.

'I cannot,' he said, clutching the edge of the table he was leaning against with white knuckles. ' _No._ I cannot. Even shield brothers don't do that. It's wrong.'

What made him so angry was the way Thorin remained so coldly detached. As if he'd asked Fili to fetch his tools, not bend over the anvil and let Thorin fuck him into obilivion.

'You have to,' Thorin said, his voice quietly threatening. 'You know why you have to.'

'Dammit, you can't hold that over me forever!' Fili burst out. 'You can't keep using Kili to get what you want! It's not right. This goes far beyond the bounds of morally questionable. It's - _you're_ sadistic!' It was the first time Fili had ever lashed out at Thorin and it was very nearly the end of him. All the agony, all the betrayal,

Thorin unfastened his belt and dropped it on the floor. 'Then I will seek what I desire from your brother. I will never touch you again, Fili, if that's what you want. But you know where I will be instead.'

'Stop it.'

'Don't make this difficult. Some part of you wants to, otherwise we would never have come this far.'

'Thorin, please.' Fili rubbed his hand over his eyes. His head throbbed. He wondered fleetingly if this was his breaking point. 'You promised never to force me into anything I didn't want to do.'

Thorin's answering smile was unadulterated, smug malevolence. 'And I'm not. I meant what I said, Fili. I would still never force you into doing something you didn't want. However, we both know that your body desires it.' _You little slut._ He didn't say as much but the connotation was there. 'And you wish for your brother to remain unblemished.' He closed the distance between them, angling his hips forward so his clothed arousal pressed against Fili's crudely. 'For that to be so, you must submit to me.’

‘For how long?’ Fili half-whispered. The second he asked he realized that he already knew the answer.

‘Although it’s bad manners I will answer your question with another question.’ Thorin unlaced Fili’s breeches and squeezed his cock, then spun Fili around so he was facing away. ‘For how long do you intend to stand guard over Kili?’

***

If Fili had to say one nice thing about what Thorin was doing it would be that he always tried to make their coupling as painless as possible. He never made Fili take him dry or when he was genuinely still sore from the previous night’s activities. He was caring even as he was cruel. 

Kili was left alone as Thorin promised. Over the coming years he had his own parade of suitors, male and female, young and old, but Kili turned them all away. He had taken to following Fili around like a doting puppy – not that it was really considered all that unusual; they’d been glued together their entire lives. This was different, though. It was as if Kili was afraid of what might happen if he let Fili out of his sight. He recognized that something was amiss between himself, Fili and Thorin but didn’t know precisely what.

Thorin sent him away on training and hunting expeditions as often as he could manage. Fili should have been thankful for this as it meant that his brother was well out of Thorin’s reach. At the same time, he was well out of Fili’s.

Every day Fili strived to persuade himself that he was content with the deal between himself and Thorin. Little was required of him, really. Work hard. Permit his uncle unrestricted access to his body. Keep their secrets. Love his brother. _It could be worse,_ he reasoned. _He could beat you. Or Kili. Don’t complain. You are lucky._

Every day Fili tried to convince himself that he could live out the rest of his life this way and every day he failed. 

After seven long, heart-splitting years of servitude Thorin was called away to a meeting with Dain. He attempted to drag Fili along with him but Dís told him no, that Fili and Kili were drifting apart, that they needed this time to reconnect as brothers. Thorin probably could have insisted but he chose not to, instead leaving Fili with explicit instructions about how to behave in his absence. Effectively, he had merely said _You are to touch nobody and nobody is to touch you_.

Not that Fili planned to, so repulsed he was by his own flesh. He was, however, appreciative of the alone time with his brother. After two weeks of Kili’s uninterrupted attention he could nearly forget that Thorin would return and would most likely keep him chained to the forge for a month when he did. Kili’s cheerful disposition and sheer joy at having Fili to himself was contagious.

Fili’s charade cracked the night before Thorin was due to return.

He and Kili had just retired to bed. He could hear Kili’s deep, even breathing and occasional snores and the crickets outside. The world was temporarily at peace. And Fili could not for the life of him still his mind. He _felt_ , really _felt_ the torment of keeping seven years of agonizing secrets locked inside his heart and it all exploded out.

He began to cry.

Kili awoke at once and shot up in bed. ‘Fili? What’s wrong?’

But the words wouldn’t come. Fili curled into the smallest ball he could and stuffed his mouth full of blanket hoping to muffle the sound. Kili settled into the space curving around the small of his back and simply held him, caressing Fili’s hair as he did so. He was frightened for his sobbing brother, definitely, but he also knew that Fili wouldn’t reveal anything under duress.

They stayed that way for over an hour until Fili’s sobs had subsided, replaced by a haunted look in his eyes and a distraught clutching of Kili’s chest. _Stop acting like a child,_ he admonished himself. _Kili will think you mentally unhinged._

‘Fili, I’m worried about you,’ Kili said into his hair. ‘You are not yourself. You spend inordinate amounts of time with Thorin but you are never happy. You seem…hollow. You have been for years.’

‘You fret for nothing, Kili,’ Fili murmured into his brother’s shirt. ‘It’s stress from working so much, nothing more.’

‘Don’t lie to me,’ Kili fired back. He pushed Fili off his chest and leaned into his face. ‘A light has died within you. Why won’t you tell me what it is?’

 _Because you’ll hate me,_ Fili thought sadly. _Because you’ll run screaming from me and never come back._ ‘How can I make you believe me?’ he said. ‘I’m the same that I have always been. I swear.’ His eyes fell to Kili’s lips. The urge to kiss them was overwhelming. The urge to kiss someone who wanted nothing in return was overwhelming.

‘You’re a liar,’ Kili whispered. He pressed his lips against Fili’s, just once and so briefly that Fili couldn’t tell if the kiss was supposed to be comradely or a legitimate demonstration of romantic interest. ‘Go to sleep. Don’t cry. I’m here with you.’

Fili slept fitfully for the first time in seven years, the taste of Kili staining his lips.

***

It was an incredible nine years until Thorin and Fili were finally caught in the act.

By Kili, of course. Fili highly suspected that Thorin had orchestrated the whole thing so that only Kili could have found them, as they were in the brothers’ room at the time, not in the forge or down a mineshaft or hidden away like proper deviants. Thorin had snuck in when Fili was trying to get five minutes of unmolested alone time and Kili was apparently out hunting.

‘On your brother’s bed,’ he growled, pushing Fili down. 

‘Here?’ Fili protested pointlessly, rolling over even as he said it. He was long past the point of true objection. He had actually grown to look forward to the precious seconds after Thorin came inside him, as this was the longest possible point before Thorin would want to fuck him again.

‘I want you to be able to smell him as I’m fucking you,’ Thorin said crudely as his erection pushed into Fili’s body. ‘I want you to consider if protecting him is worth it. You’re giving up a lot for him, Fili. Would he do the same for you?’

 _I hope so,_ Fili thought. He closed his eyes and his heart and waited for his body to inevitably give in and for it to be over.

That’s how Kili found them. Thorin was mid-thrust but barely paused to note the interruption, sparing Kili a cursory glance before continuing. Fili caught his eye as he came and held his gaze as Thorin spilled his seed within him. _I’m sorry,_ he tried to say with his eyes. The curl of Kili’s lip said only one thing.

_You are disgusting._

Thorin pulled out and cleaned himself up in a matter of seconds. ‘The two of you have a lot to discuss,’ he said, smirking. ‘I will leave you in peace.’

Fili wanted to cry but he wanted to smack the abhorrent expression of Kili’s face first. _This isn’t what you think,_ his mind screamed. _It’s for you, it’s all for you!_

‘You sicken me,’ Kili spat. ‘Our own uncle – on _my_ bed! Tell me, Kili, did he ask you nicely or did you spread your legs for him without asking?’

Fili recoiled. He had never heard Kili sound so venomous before, least of all to him. ‘Do not attempt to understand. You know nothing.’

‘Understand?’ Kili shouted, waving his arms around wildly for emphasis. ‘What is there to understand? You were _fucking_ \- ‘ He dropped his voice after realizing how loud he was becoming. ‘ – Our own uncle! You were fucking _Thorin_! And by that mess on your stomach, I’d say you found it very pleasurable indeed!’ 

Fili kept his eyes fixed on a knot in one of the floorboards. He couldn’t do this. In all these years of illicit trysts between himself and Thorin he never once considered what to say, how to act, how to keep himself together if they were caught. It appeared that he was gullible enough to believe that Thorin would never let that happen.

‘It’s sick,’ Kili ranted. ‘You’re sick. You’re no better than a whore.’ That one really hurt as it described, for all purposes, exactly what Fili was to Thorin. Hot tears threatened to overflow down his cheeks. _All I want is to split open and to bleed dry until there are no more feelings._

‘How long?’ Kili sneered. ‘And don’t you dare lie to me.’

‘Nine years,’ Fili said tonelessly. Kili sputtered.

‘ _Nine_ years? How – why – ‘ he cut himself off and edged towards the door as if to leave. ‘No, I don’t want to know. But I know this: you are the lowest of the low, Fili. You are scum. You are goblin-droppings. You are a harlot and a liar. And,’ he added, hate-filled eyes burning holes in Fili’s soul, ‘you are _not_ my brother.’

That was what finally broke him. ‘ _Enough!_ ’ Fili shrieked loud enough to hurt his vocal cords. ‘No more! Shut _up_ , Kili! You know _nothing_! This is for you, all of this, all of the past nine years of effective enslavement and anguish and creeping around in the dark and pretending to be Thorin’s lapdog has been for _you!_ And you don’t even – you don’t even – ‘ Black spots clouded Fili’s vision. He clawed desperately at the mattress. He felt like he couldn’t breathe. 

Even after calling him all those terrible names Kili was still there, stroking Fili’s hair and calming him down. ‘Breathe, Fili. That’s it. In and out. Good. That’s good. You can stop panicking now.’ He sat opposite Fili on the bed. ‘I’m sorry. I should not have said that you weren’t my brother. You always will be.’

Fili looked up through bloodshot eyes. Kili didn’t look sickened anymore, merely baffled. ‘If I allow him into my bed he won’t try to sneak into yours,’ Fili said brokenly. ‘I do this because I love you. I do this to keep you safe.’

Kili was horrified. ‘But Thorin always seems so – so regal, a fine upstanding descendent of Durin, a supposed role model for us all!’

‘He’s a magnificent actor,’ Fili muttered bitterly.

Kili took Fili’s hand in his. ‘You have been suffering for too long, brother. We can find a way around this. There has to be a way out.’

‘There’s not,’ Fili whispered, his voice cracking. He gripped Kili’s hand harder than necessary. ‘Please don’t try. _Please._ I have found methods to deal with it. All I want is to have you out of harm’s way. If this is what it takes, so be it.’

Kili embraced him impulsively. ‘For how long do you have to continue living this nightmare?’

‘I don’t know, Kili. For how long do you think Thorin’s going to live?’

***

There were advantages and disadvantages to having two sharing the burden of such a secret. Fili no longer had to pretend to Kili that everything was perfect. He didn’t have to lie about where he was going or where strange marks on his neck and back came from. Kili would hold him during the night without being asked. But at the same time, Kili’s face was permanently etched with concern and he was becoming rather possessive of his brother; a fact that Fili had to pull him up on more than once.

‘You can’t behave differently!’ he hissed. ‘Thorin will suspect something!’ He softened his voice as Kili’s face hardened with determination. ‘You mustn’t bear more of this burden than you absolutely have to.’

‘I absolutely have to bear enough of this burden to keep you sane,’ Kili responded seriously.

Fili truthfully had no idea what would come to pass if Thorin knew that Kili knew. More than likely Thorin would exploit that knowledge and torment Fili further. He might change his mind completely and decide that he now wanted both of his nephews. Fili didn’t want to know. 

With Kili’s support, he could withstand this debauched web that Thorin had implicated him in.

Then Kili cocked it all up a year after catching Fili with Thorin and ten years from the day Thorin changed Fili’s life forever with the simple offer of work. He didn’t mean to but his elder sibling reacted skittishly all the same.

He was holding Fili late in the night as usual, for comfort and closeness, not with a view to sexual activity. The concept still felt foreign to Fili and he was thoroughly enjoying it. So when Kili kissed him firmly on the mouth, his tongue licking at the seam of Fili’s lips in a manner that could not have been anything but lust, Fili pushed him off in shock.

‘What was that about?’ he erupted.

Kili regarded him with wounded eyes. ‘I’m thanking you.’

Fili cringed away as if Kili had scalded him. ‘Don’t. Please don’t.’

‘But why? I want to thank you for protecting me all these years. For going above and beyond what an elder brother is supposed to do.’ Kili’s lower lip trembled. ‘You didn’t stop me from kissing you three years ago.’

‘But you weren’t – I mean, it wasn’t for the same reason then!’

‘Wasn’t it?’ Kili countered. He played idly with one of the braids framing Fili’s face. ‘What’s the matter? Did I say something wrong?’

Fili closed his eyes. ‘That’s how it all started. That’s what Thorin said when he first kissed me.’

Kili looked like he was about to vomit. ‘I’m sorry, Fili. I didn’t know.’

‘No, you couldn’t have.’ He laid a finger on Kili’s lip to stop it trembling. ‘ _I’m_ sorry. I shouldn’t have compared you to him. Let’s…let’s try again.’ Fili pushed his mouth against Kili’s. It felt peculiar but not unpleasant. It felt…kind of like kissing himself, really.

Kili kissed him back breathlessly, waiting only a few seconds before becoming bold enough to attempt sucking on Fili’s tongue. That small action sent a stab of pleasure straight to his cock. Emboldened, Kili pulled Fili on top of him and moaned. It was a new position for Fili – Thorin always insisted on being in control and Fili was never allowed to display any manner of dominance – and he relished it. Unsure what to do in this position; he rubbed his hips against Kili’s experimentally.

Kili groaned around his tongue, the vibration reverberating through Fili and making him gasp. ‘Feels good.’

It _did_ feel good; so good that Fili was forced to stop. ‘Wait,’ he ground out. ‘Just wait.’

Kili made a noise of disappointment. ‘Why are you stopping?’

‘We can’t do this. Brothers aside, which I suppose is pointless to mention in light of all that has happened, we can’t do this.’

‘And why not?’

‘Thorin will know,’ Fili pleaded. ‘He always does. I don’t know how. I don’t even know what to expect when he finds out, but it won’t be good for either of us.’

Kili kissed his brother’s flushed, pouty lips again. ‘Fili, Thorin has had you for ten years. I just want you for one night. I would have you longer, undoubtedly; but if this night is all we’re granted, I would have us make the best of it.’

When Fili hesitated, he said, ‘How could he possibly find out of neither of us tells him?’

Fili sighed internally. _You cannot possibly fathom how fine-tuned to me Thorin has become over the past decade. Every time I find a new way to build walls up he makes it his mission to tear them down. The only secret I’m allowed to have is the one that we share._

But he could not possibly refuse Kili, not when every fiber of his body yearned to partake in what Kili was inviting him to do. Not when Kili was asking instead of taking by force what he felt he was entitled to.

Fili gave in. When he kissed Kili he felt it with his whole being; when he touched Kili he did his best to commit every inch of flesh to memory and when they came together all he wanted to know was when they could do it again. Because one perfect night with Kili was never going to be enough.

***

The two brothers had many perfect nights in the few years following that, as it happened. They were sporadic and sometimes hurried and always exactly what Fili needed, no more and no less. If Thorin was the sickness, Kili was the cure.

And miraculously, Thorin appeared to remain blissfully unaware. 

He was actually demanding less and less of Fili and was spending more time away in covert meetings of other dwarves. Their mother cautioned that it meant a journey of interminable proportions was looming. It meant that Thorin was almost ready to wrench Erebor from Smaug’s clawed grip.

It meant that it was highly probable that Thorin would request Fili’s presence on the quest. Dís didn’t look overjoyed by the prospect but she said, ‘There is nothing I can do that will sway him otherwise. You’re both his heirs. It’s expected.’

‘He won’t want me there,’ Kili pointed out unhappily. Their mother smiled with eyes full of sympathy.

‘It doesn’t matter,’ Fili declared. ‘I won’t go without you, no matter what is “expected” of us.’

‘Is that so?’

Fili and Kili both jumped at the sound of Thorin’s voice. Their eyes met guiltily.

‘Come along, please, Fili,’ Thorin said. ‘There are things we must discuss alone.’ His eyes slid to Kili. ‘I will come for Kili later.’

It was a threat if Fili had ever heard one.

***

‘We leave in a fortnight,’ Thorin told him. ‘There is another gathering I must attend first, so you will travel alone. You may meet Balin or Dwalin on the way; I’m not certain when they’re setting out. You will make for Hobbiton, where the halflings live. From there begins our expedition to retake Erebor.’

‘I would prefer not to travel alone,’ Fili said anxiously. ‘Can I not take Kili along?’

Thorin grimaced. ‘I don’t think that’s a good idea. He is too young and volatile. I don’t know if he can be relied upon.’

‘Thorin, you know full well that if I leave him behind he’ll just follow me anyway. He won’t be any trouble. I will mind him.’

Thorin fixed Fili with an abrupt, searching stare. ‘Is that all you’ll be doing with him?’

Fili’s heart somersaulted in his chest. He arranged his features into an inquisitive mask and said, ‘What do you mean?’

Thorin snickered unpleasantly. ‘What do you think it means?’

‘Erm…’

Thorin didn’t seem to hear him; so occupied he was with yanking Fili’s trousers down and caressing him to full hardness. Fili’s train of thought crashed to a halt as he felt Thorin’s hot, wet mouth envelope his cock. This had never happened before – Fili had been on his knees many times but never the other way around – so when Thorin set a punishing pace that threatened to unravel him in minutes, Fili almost collapsed.

Again and again Thorin pushed Fili to teetering on the edge of climax before withdrawing and letting him gather his thoughts. Then the assault would resume. Fili didn’t think he could take it.

‘You want to come, I know you do,’ Thorin said, licking slowly up the sensitive underside of Fili’s cock and making him shudder. ‘I don’t plan to deny you that. But before you do, I want to know one thing.’

Fili pawed at Thorin’s hair. He currently didn’t have the strength to think clearly, much less engage his voice to answer a question.

‘Tell me, Fili, does your brother’s flesh taste as sweet as you always hoped it would?’

Fili’s heart stopped. ‘What – ‘ He choked on a moan as Thorin went back to sucking on him. He came down Thorin’s throat less than a minute later, shouting Kili’s name.

Thorin’s eyes glittered maliciously. ‘I take that to mean that even the riches of Erebor cannot compare.’

Fili groped hopelessly for something to say. ‘Thorin, please…’

‘Please what?’

‘Please just…if there must be punishment, let me bear it all. Please don’t hurt Kili.’

Thorin’s eyebrows shot up. ‘Hurt? I wouldn’t do that. After all, I’ve never hurt you.’ 

_Not in a way that leaves visible scars, maybe._ ‘Thorin, please.’ Fili placed his hands on Thorin’s hips suggestively. ‘Let me make it up to you.’

That night he rode his uncle until he really did hurt. And then again. And again. And again, until he was raw and even Thorin could take no more. Only then, once Fili was practically unable to walk, did Thorin reveal the conditions to Kili’s accompaniment on their trip.

‘You will permit me one night with your brother. One night only. I will dictate the time and place. One night, and you may have Kili by your side for the whole adventure.’ Fili tried to bargain him down with no success. Thorin shrugged, unconcerned.

‘That is my price, Fili. It’s up to you if you can afford to leave the most precious jewel of your life behind. I will not force you either way.’

 _You never do!_ Fili wanted to howl. _And sometimes I wish you did so I would truly have a reason to despise you._

 

***

‘He wants to what?’

Fili slowly rubbed his index fingers in firm circles over his temples. He hadn’t been able to get rid of this headache for thirteen years. ‘Don’t make me repeat it, Kili.’

Kili didn’t look nearly as appalled as he should have. In fact, he seemed to be pondering the ludicrous idea. ‘That makes things somewhat inconvenient. What did you tell him?’

‘Nothing.’ Fili chewed the inside of his cheek nervously. ‘I said I would ask you first.’

‘Does it hurt?’

Fili coughed. ‘What?’

‘You know. When he…takes you.’

‘Oh. Um. Not really. I suppose that’s the one nice thing I can say about Thorin. He tries to make it…good.’

‘Well, that’s something,’ Kili mused. He folded his arms and nodded with conviction. ‘All right. I’ll do it. No, don’t argue,’ he interrupted when Fili tried to open his mouth to demur. ‘You’ve been sacrificing your body and your sanity on my behalf for thirteen years. If you will not let met take half of the responsibility all the time, let me do this one thing for you. It will not ruin me forever.

‘And if you think about it, the opportunities for any of us to be alone on a journey like that will probably be few and far between. Thorin’s unlikely to have time to get his hands on me, and you especially will never be safer.’

Fili’s smile was filled with melancholy. ‘How can you be so optimistic?’

Kili pressed the most delicate of kisses to Fili’s left temple. ‘Because you can’t be.’

***

The trip to the Shire was nothing less than exquisite. It was a week of uninterrupted closeness with Kili during which they slept little and sought pleasure in each other’s arms often. Fili realized a contentment he had not felt in years. For that week alone, Erebor could have been lost forever and Fili could have cared less as long as he and Kili could continue this frivolous, nomadic, euphoric existence.

He greeted Bilbo Baggins with a broad smile, a deep bow and a heart that felt as if it were made of lead. 

It turned out that Kili was right, at least partly. When Thorin arrived at Bag End weeks later Fili thought he’d never seen his uncle so filled with wrathful intent. He ignored his nephews’ presence entirely. When Fili finally managed to catch his attention Thorin was unusually short with him. Terrified he’d made some dreadful mistake, he offered to bunk with Thorin but was rebuked. He was consigned to mind the ponies and the water canteens and other such mundane tasks with Kili. 

Thorin did not try to touch him once. In fact, he was most definitely keeping his distance. The only other time he acknowledged Fili’s presence was to scold him and Kili for laughing at the notion of orc hunting parties down in the valley from where they camped.

Most disturbingly, Fili found that he actually _missed_ Thorin’s emotional manipulation of him. It was as if a light had gone out inside Thorin leaving Fili in darkness. He was conditioned to accept this. He didn’t know how to function otherwise.

He didn’t get a chance to ask Kili about it until they reached Rivendell. ‘It’s perplexing,’ he said quietly to Kili the night that they arrived. ‘It’s practically like he dreads being in my proximity. It’s abnormal. What do you think’s happened?’

Kili appeared equally as puzzled. ‘Your guess is as good as mine. Do you think someone’s threatened him?’

Fili thought about how Thorin always strutted around the place telling all and sundry that he was King Under the Mountain and offering to relieve anyone who disagreed with him of their limbs and shook his head vehemently. ‘No. Not possible.’

For some reason, then, his eyes fell to Gandalf’s. The wizard wore that same annoying expression of enigmatic complacency as always but just then his crinkled blue gaze was concentrated on Fili. He winked, very slowly, just once, but neither of the brothers missed it. And suddenly Fili understood.

He grinned from ear to ear, so hard he thought his cheeks might burst, and grabbed a startled Kili to kiss him swiftly. A knot that had resided in his chest for thirteen drawn-out, excruciating years released within him and was replaced with wary anticipation. Fili thought, a bit irrationally, that maybe they could have done without the fourteenth member of the Company after all. Thirteen didn’t seem so unlucky anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm still not 100% happy with the end but couldn't make it depressing or just trail off into nowhere. :/


End file.
